#1195 - 12/10/07 04:02 AM
i dont know what to do anymore
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shorty
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Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 4
Loc: tacoma,washington
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im almost 21 and i feel dead in side lamost every day. i wake up and wish i was dead, and go to bed praying i wont dream of him, but i always do. i was raped by my father every day for four years. he gave me to his friends, who used me in ways that makes me want to vomit. i finally told when i was 14, but it was an accident. i cant froget it. i cant let go of all that pain, andi wish to god he was dead by my hand. i know where he lives, sometimes i drive that four hours just to watch him and dream of killing him. im so scared of whats inside me. what if one day i wake up and im like him. i tried to erase him by drinking and doing drugs and sleeping with anyone i oculd just to erase his touch but nothing worked. iv been sober since i was 18. i havnt been able to even touch a man. my boyfriend doesnt know anything about my past. but he wants to know why panic when he tries to touch me. how do you tell someone you really like that your damged and used. i feel so gross everyday. i hurt inside, so deep that no doctor, and no one who loves me can reach. iv tried everything. but it wont go away. i just want it all to end. but there is no end. at least no end i can reach. i dont cry anymore, because big girls dont cry. i want to cry sometimes but i cant. iv been up for almost three days no, and im tired. buti cant sleep. thats where he is. deep inside my dreams. no matter how far i run he always catches me. i bought a gun 2 weeks ago from a friend of mine. im not sure who im gonna kill him or me, or both. but all i know is we both cant be alive.
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#1230 - 12/14/07 06:11 PM
Re: i dont know what to do anymore
[Re: shorty]
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DyingInside
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Registered: 12/14/07
Posts: 3
Loc: Georgia
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Shorty I know exactly what you are going through I too was raped by my fahter day after day. He started using it as a form of punishment at first then he did it just because it made him feel good. I go to sleep everynight and I see him in my dreams or I see me as a little girl getting raped again. He did it to me 2-3 times a day from the ages 6-11 and everytime I told no one beleived me. I have to see my fahter all the time and I too wish I could kill him and get away with it but that would be the easy way out for people like them. You should tell your boyfriend because maybe he will understand. You are not damaaged and it wasn't your fault. I used to think the same thing but now that I am 20 I can't forget what happened and I wish so much that I could.
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#1235 - 12/16/07 12:23 AM
Re: i dont know what to do anymore
[Re: DyingInside]
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shorty
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Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 4
Loc: tacoma,washington
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there is somethign wrong in me. i cant understand it. im scared of everything but nothing at all. iv spent my life trying to run but i cant run anymore im tired. but icant face it either. there is osmthine inside me thats evil. i can feel it. what if one day i wake up and im not me anymore, im some kind of monster like him. i couldnt live withmyself if i ever hurt a child. everything is so hard for me. i dont really care if get away with killing him. i would gladly spend the ret of my life in prison for it, with the satisfaction that i did it. he deserves to pay for what he did. and i deserve to be happy. but im not. i havnt been in years. i dont feel good things anymore. not love or joy. im broke inside and nothing feels right. i remeber once when i was about 12 my dad gave me to some of his freinds for drugs and i tried to fight and he tied me to a bed and they each took a turn and i fought so hard but i oculdnt get free. they broke my jaw and three ribs but i still fought. why cant i fight like that anymore. i feel like igiven up. i dont know who i am.
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#1315 - 12/19/07 01:18 AM
Re: i dont know what to do anymore
[Re: shorty]
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myimmortal7
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Registered: 10/09/07
Posts: 11
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By definition, I've been raped a few times. My story isn't like yours, no one in my family hurt me, but I want to help so I'm writing you. I gave guys a pass cause of love or, basically, because I blamed myself, therefore I don't hurt too much when I think about the few times I said no repeatedly, struggled, and was pinned down and/or gave up trying to get away from guys I'd had sex with before. But when I was gang raped a year ago, I broke. I blacked out and had no idea why. People wanted to say it was cause I drank too much, but I knew I hadn't. My parents even made comments about me not being able to choose my friends properly. I was upset and blamed myself for a while because I didn't fight them. I didn't know how many of them were in the room, how I got there, I didn't realize I was being raped at first because my mind had completely gone. I wasn't thinking straight, so I couldn't scream or fight, I was lost, completely lost. Then out of no where, I realized what was happening and just started crying. They all ran out of the room as soon as I started crying. People tried to say it may not have been rape, how is that possible when I didn't even see any of there faces!!!!! How could I have wanted it to happen when I didn't know any of them, didn't see any of them, couldn't figure out what was happening!!!!! I know what you mean when you say you feel empty, you try to run but you're tired. I know what it's like to be afriad to go to sleep. I had people who didn't even know me who were against me after it happened, and people who should've been helping me but were hurting me while I was trying to heal from everything. God got me through, only God. I'm not sure if you believe in God or anything, but you may want to try and talk to him, just pray and ask Him to help you get rid of the pain. If it helps to write about it in the forum, keep writing. I don't know you, but I don't think that you are or will become a monster. He doesn't control you now, and NEVER has. You still have a fight in you cause you're still alive, you're still sober, you're still trying to move on. You haven't given up on yourself, don't. I will pray for you, I know it helped me and like I said my story isn't like yours but I want to help anyway that I can.
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#1511 - 01/20/08 05:34 PM
Re: i dont know what to do anymore
[Re: myimmortal7]
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ironichope
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Registered: 01/20/08
Posts: 5
Loc: NJ
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Shorty, you will get through this. Coming on the forum is a great step. I am so proud of you.
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#1534 - 01/27/08 11:03 PM
Re: i dont know what to do anymore
[Re: ironichope]
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nascarfan
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Registered: 01/27/08
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Hi Shorty. I was molested by my brother for 12 years, from the time I was 5 until the time I was 17. When I finally told my parents, all they did was sweep it under the carpet, and did nothing at all to help me. I went to counseling for 2 years, but that was not until I was in my late twenties. I met and spoke with a female therapist. I specifically requested to see a female therapist. In the beginning, she did not pressure me for any information. We just scratched the surface. There was no pressure at all. As the months went by, I was able to talk a little bit more about what happened to me. We did these in baby steps. As the time went on, I trusted her even more, so I talked even more about what happened to me. I would sit on a very comfortable couch(No, you don't have to lay down if you don't want to.. like you see on tv,hee hee) and would just talk. Many times I would look out the window. I would cry often, and there was a box of tissues on the little stand next to the couch. As the months progressed, the crying became less and less. If you can, try going to counseling. If you don't have insurance, then try going to a rape crisis center. I've never been to one, but I am sure they will help you. Take it from someone who knows... going to therapy has made such a difference in my life. Remember, there is never any pressure to say things that you are uncomfortable with. You will talk about those things when YOU are ready to. Another thought: HE was NEVER in control of you. You have the power to crush him: After I finished my therapy, I realized that it was not my fault, and I told my brother that I could tell anyone in and out of the family whenever I wanted to. That scared the HELL out of him.
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#1640 - 03/09/08 08:06 PM
Re: i dont know what to do anymore
[Re: nascarfan]
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wickedbliss
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Registered: 03/09/08
Posts: 10
Loc: Kentucky
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First be very proud of yourself for posting here! Second, seek therapy, seek support groups .. even if you don't talk, finding strength in others ability to survive may give you hidden strength that you don't know exists yet. I am here if you wish to talk!
Blissy
_________________________
A mistake is only a mistake if we fail to learn from it
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#1666 - 03/18/08 06:28 PM
Re: i dont know what to do anymore
[Re: shorty]
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AbbyStar
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Registered: 03/14/08
Posts: 28
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I've worked with a lot of children that have been raped by a family member and I do believe that talking about it will be the answer. I suggest finding a psychologist (I know you're not crazy but a professional help can be the answer) or maybe a trustworthy friend or a family member. Sometimes when we dwell on the past we can not move forward. Also I recommend that you talk to you boyfriend. When we're in pain we alienate our selfs and we detached from our loved ones. However, you boyfriend is willing to help and heal all the pain you've been through.
Abby
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