#1647 - 03/10/08 01:11 PM
Help for my Fiancee - Need your Appropriate Advice
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novpacker
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Registered: 03/10/08
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Where to start?
My fiancee and I have been together for 8 months. She told me 4 months into dating that she was raped as a teenager. As a male, I believe I had a balanced reaction of both sadness for what had happened, sensitivity towards the subject matter in general, plus wanting to personally bring about some retribution to the boy who brought this upon her (nearly 7 years ago now). For background purposes, she did seek some counseling but quickly dropped that as she felt betrayed by the therapist for wanting to report the incident. Some of her friends even expressed the thoughts that the so called "raper" couldn't have done such a thing and the "raper" has denied it ever since. No charges, etc. were ever brought.
Nevertheless, while in a sincere, compassionate, loving, and caring relationship with this wonderful woman, I have made some observations that I believe may result of some unresolved issues for her. For example, she, by all rights, becomes very solemn (spelling??) and affected when a movie or TV show depicts some sort of sexual violence upon a woman. She also insists on not talking about it with me as I once brought it up later on and she asked me never to do so again. Furthermore, while in the act of love, I sometimes feel her withdraw, especially if my hands are touching her face, I'm in a more dominant position, etc.
I don't want to come off in this forum as being in any way selfish, but these same matters/observations affect me in the manner, of course, of being emotionally saddened whenever I see/feel her become solemn/withdrawn, etc. I'm putting this post in this forum to get some advice of how to be the best partner/man/friend for her the rest of her life. I want to be her rock, but I don't want to press either. I need some advice of where to appropriately balance my actions/emotions for the best possible outcome for her and our lives together.
I hope that makes sense...I humbly look forward to any and all replies. Thank you in advance.
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#1689 - 04/08/08 04:17 AM
Re: Help for my Fiancee - Need your Appropriate Advice
[Re: novpacker]
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myimmortal7
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Registered: 10/09/07
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You are doing a wonderful job of supporting the woman you love. As a survivor who didn't have consistent support from the men in my life after I was attacked, I applaud you for being compasionate about the situation with your fiancee. Do not ever push her to talk about it if she doesn't want to. It's painful to discuss and always will be. She will discuss it with you as she feels necessary. Try as much as possible to comfort her when you two are making love. Having sex is painful sometimes both physically and emotionally after you've been raped, so help her feel loved and safe with you when you're having sex. When she gets solemn, hug or kiss her, tell her you love her, that she's beautiful and that you happy she's in your life. During these solemn moments she's probably recalling the rape in her mind and feeling your love will help comfort her. Try not to watch too many shows that depict rape, or violence against women. We cannot run from our past, but it is not healthy to have it thrown in your face all the time either. When she withdraws, you may need to let her have a moment to herself; we need those to heal. Once again you are doing a wonderful job at supporting her so keep up the good work and I wish you both the best.
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