#1762 - 08/17/08 04:21 AM
Sometimes I think I Love myself
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What2DoNow
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Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 1
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I've had alot of "bad" things happen to me and I use to think it was my fault and sometimes I still do. I haven't gone to counseling because I'm afraid and embarassed. I've gotten married even after everything and I love my husband very much, but since I've told him everything that has happened to me, I worry that one day he won't see me the same and he won't love me anymore. I can't say that I would blame him since sometimes I don't think I love myself, I think deep down there is still a part of me who thinks I deserved everything I got. I don't know what to do, I know I need to talk to someone but I can't go to therapy without my job finding out and I'm afraid that going to therapy will cause me to lose my job. But I need to do something. I have a 2 year old son now and I want him to know I love him but it's hard for me to love anyone when I only love me sometimes.
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#1765 - 08/31/08 06:40 AM
Re: Sometimes I think I Love myself
[Re: What2DoNow]
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shelle22
Stranger
Registered: 08/31/08
Posts: 3
Loc: NSW, Australia
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I have a boyfriend who I love more than anything, and I was scared of him finding out because I thought he wouldn't see me for who I am anymore and would break up with me. Deep down I feel cheap and yukkie, and feel grottie and dirty all the time. I some times wonder that maybe I deserved it, because why else would they have done it. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy, because every night I have nightmares, everynight I scream thinking he's there in my room. I can't even get really intemate with my boyfriend because I'm scared. We get so far then I back off. And I'm constantly in counciling and whenever the cops get a rappest they drag me in to id him. It's been like this for the last 5 years. It's bloody miserable. And when he forced himself onto me he ripped my virgina open causing me to have virginal prolapse as well as a uterine prolapse. And I'm constantly going to theatre to get the virginal prolapse re-paired. I had to have a hysterectomy because my uterus actually fell out. It's been really miserable, and what makes it worse is that it was the second time within 1 year of each other.
And I hate myself, it's my boyfriend who makes me feel good. I did end up however telling him about it last week, and to my surprise he's very surpportive and helping me each step of the way. You'll love yourself again but in time, which hopefully will also happen to me. It'll take a while before you start to really love yourself again, I even wonder if I ever will. But your husband loves you for you and never doubt that. Just because you've been rapped doesn't mean your a different person. Just to you, you feel like a different person but your still the same person he fell in love with. We both will be forever scared but it will take time before we ever get ontop of things. It's been 8 years for me and still I'm very scared and hurt. Our guys love us and they'll be there no matter what we think. We just have to believe they love us no matter our past.
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